My blog is an extension of my heart space. This space is purely me. It houses my love, doubt, excitement, confusion, and pain. My faith. I write for many reasons and views isn't one of them. I can't get back to posting and writing without revealing my truth and how this past year has impacted spaces I never thought could be touched within me.
This past year has transformed me in ways that I wish it hadn't. In ways that feel permanent. I now have the wisdom to be grateful for this journey, while acknowledging the damage it has done and I thank God for being my compass. I am committed to healing. I'm back, but not all the way better. I have the words now and If you want to know where I've been, I'd love for you to read this.
This is the first time that anyone has heard these words from me and out of consideration for myself, My therapist and I decided that writing was the best way for me to share this with the people that love and those who love me.
I told myself that I would not speak about this until I was better, but the road to better is a lot longer than I realized. I have written and spoken so many things about this experience, yet I still feel lost on where to start.
I want to offer an explanation for how and who I have been over the past year. A lot of people never said anything or expressed any worry, but I am sure that they noticed. I want to let you all know that something has been going on with me. I'm hoping that this explanation is received and accepted with grace, compassion, and an open mind.
This past year has been the hardest year of my life in every facade. Physically, mentally, and emotionally I experienced exhaustion, grief, indifference, and pain in degrees I never knew would be possible for myself. I felt like I was in the back seat of my own body and I was navigating life on autopilot. There was no joy, no desire, no peace. My mind somewhat became my own enemy and I had to fight myself to live, to move, to persist. Every. Single. Day.
My mind was not kind to me. I had constant feelings of despair, worthlessness, guilt, loneliness, and grief. Before I called this experience by its name, I only recognized it as grief. My sadness was so big and consuming, I genuinely thought I was grieving an entire nation. I would cry when I woke up, I would cry at the dinner table, I would cry in my car. Grief was spilling out of me and I had no idea why. I eventually did not have the energy to suppress these feelings, which is why I withdrew. I stopped getting dressed, I stopped going out, I stopped talking to my friends, I stopped looking in the mirror. I stopped writing. I stopped. It was hard to be around people, even the people that I loved dearly.
Things progressed to a point where I didn't want to be here. I was miserable and there seemed to be no way out until I called it by its name. I was diagnosed with Major depressive disorder around late august and I have been navigating the thoroughs of it ever since. I went to therapy on and off, but things didn't get better until I decided to start Anti-depressants and return to therapy at the beginning of this year.
I am speaking quite literally when I say anti-depressants saved my life. I want you to know that I proudly embrace that. I have no shame in receiving the help that I need and being diagnosed empowered me. I finally knew it wasn't just me. I wasn't that person. There was more to my experience. I intend to continue to manage my depression with anti-depressants and therapy unless I find a regime that suits me better.
I feel like I can breathe again. Actually, this is the easiest breathing has ever come to me in my entire life. I never knew I could move with this much ease or maybe I just forgot. I have been sad for much longer than I realized and peace is on the horizon.
I am speaking of things in the past tense, but please know that sometimes this is still my reality. I still have my moments, even days but I'm on the road to Healing. This journey will be ongoing and it is more of a roller coaster than it is a straight path. I'm learning to live again. I'm learning to be myself again.
Please be patient, but stay expectant. I know that it has been a while since I have been myself, but I am on my way back and I intend to be even better.
When people ask about where she went
she'll respond something like this:
I went to a place where many people have been,
unfortunately, it is also a place where many do not return from.
I went to a place that I thought I knew, a place that was familiar.
but much like myself it had changed, matured even.
This place had expanded.
This place had become emboldened.
it was much more encompassing than I remembered.
This place wanted me
and like men drawn to a siren,