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I am as imperfect as any twenty-two year old woman could be. I am certain about very little. I let my emotions get the best of me. I navigate relationships through insecurities and I often make bad decisions confidently. God has been bringing me through lesson after lesson and although it is trying, I have to acknowledge the beauty of the growth he has given me access to.
God has been pushing me to be vulnerable with him and in other relationships in my life. He has called us to love and serve, but neither are possible without vulnerability and transparency. I am naturally a reserved person and life has made me guarded, but I know I cannot serve God while intentionally keeping things away from him.
I know there are others like me. Those who internalize disappointment, grief, anger, and pride. Those who purposely don’t get close to others because they are afraid of what scars may be revealed. Despite how we feel, we need to let God in. Let him have access to our trauma, our anger, our pride, and our confusion. We need to be exposed in order to be corrected.
In an attempt to be vulnerable, I want to share one of my private prayers with you. I am not my best self in this plea to God. You will witness my pride, anger, and confusion through these words. However, you also see a small glimpse of a heart check. I laid my disappointment and hurt at his feet on this December night and I want to let you know now, that God has turned my entire situation around.
I want to encourage anyone who may read this to be vulnerable with God. Commit your life to him even when it’s scary, ugly, prideful, messy, and abused. Life will attempt to take you out more times than you would like. When life tears us apart, do not be ashamed to take those torn up pieces to God and let him have his way with them. God wants to give you your heart’s desires, but you need to desire his will before your own.
Hey God,
I'm really frustrated and overwhelmed and I know I shouldn't be. Everything I wanted was at the tip of my fingers, but it seems like my arms are never long enough to reach them. I can't pretend like I'm not disappointed or embarrassed. everything I want for myself just doesn't seem to be working out. Everyone's opinions about my situation seem to be louder than my reality and I don't like it. I don't know what to do and I don't know what to say. I don't want to talk about it with other people, I don't want anyone to acknowledge it, but in the same swing I need people to realize the grief that I feel for losing something that wasn't tangible. for losing my hope, my will, my path.
I know those things aren't really lost, but I feel that way. It's hard to ignore my feelings. It's hard to focus when you have nothing to work towards. I don't think I am ready to be picked up, I don't think I am ready to be encouraged. everything will fall on deaf ears and will not penetrate my heart
the more I am around people, the more I feel like I have nothing. I feel how I felt in september. on edge, not able to see any further than now. This affinity to anger intensifies. Upset because I can't make anything work.
If I'm being honest, I feel like it is very unfair for you to do this. I don't understand the point of this. I really want these things and I feel as if I have the right intentions. So why do you keep telling me no? Why do you provide a way for things to happen and then it just ends? I know I’m missing something and none of this makes sense.
Faith is hard, faith is trying, whoever said believing in you was the easy thing to do in life...... they weren't being fully honest. it's easy to have faith when things are going your way. it's easy to have faith when you already have nothing on your shoulders. that's not faith, it's certainty. When you are constantly met with road blocks, failures, and crushed aspirations and believe in God despite those things. That's faith.
okay, so I may not be over my feelings yet. I know the more I drag these on the more time I waste. I'll never get the big picture. I have a feeling that you're never going to reveal why I keep encountering rejection and I have to learn to be okay with that.
I have to stop looking at this as a form of punishment, maybe I really didn't do anything wrong.
Maybe I had more than enough faith, maybe I did pray just enough. Maybe life just happens and I am the one it decided to happen to. this doesn't have to mean things are over.
I am not like solomon. I do not have all the wisdom to sound inspirational and I'm not sure i have the knowledge to fully correct myself.
So God I pray that you help me be okay with this. I pray that you take away this discouragement that I have in my heart. Things will never work out perfectly, but you said you will work out things for my good and I believe you. I pray that you soften my heart for those around me who seem to have it together. I pray that you fill my heart with your compassion and understanding and leave no room for jealousy. I pray that you guide my speech, guide my thoughts, and guard my heart. I pray that the words I speak are a reflection of who you are. I pray my thoughts be pure and do not taint what leaves my mouth. I pray that you remove things from my heart that are not of you and replace them with things of your will. God I know my emotions are a dangerous thing to use sometimes. I pray that I do not become a slave to them. I pray that you remind me of the power I have over my feelings and not let them control me. God I pray for your direction, your understanding, your provision, your will. My plans might've gone left, they might have fell through, but your plans are solid. Your Plans are fruitful. Allow me to understand them.
Help me understand my place in this ministry. I don't FEEL right about it. It feels really off. Help me understand what is happening and allow me to have an open heart and open mind while doing so. I pray that I still find joy in serving, that I still find joy in community.
I had crazy faith when I listened to you and only applied to one school. I had crazy faith During the interview. I had it when I typed up my own acceptance letter and put it on the mirror. I had it when I prayed over it. I pray that I focus on this NOT being a no, but a Maybe.
I pray that you make a way, that you allow this to turn into a yes. That this be the place that you have prepared for me. I pray that I do not make plans around it. I pray that I am still. That I be faithful.
Amen.
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